Envy.

I really envy those of you who have deep family ties. Those who have chosen to stay close to "home" because it's home. I wish that I had that.

My grandmother called me today out of the blue. She's so freakin' cute. She wanted me to know that she just had hotdogs and that she loved me and oh! Grandpa say's hi!! I wished I was closer to her. I wished she knew who I was.

I wish my mother was there when I went through what I can only describe as a divorce. There was money and children involved. I could have used some advice.

I wish my dad... I wish for a lot of things about my dad. He's a rad guy, he's my hero. And I wish there was a lot that was different.

I wish that I was my brother for a day. So cool. So normal. So lucky.

I wish that I wasn't so far away from all of my family, even the ones a 20 minute drive away. Because it's not the distance that keeps us apart. It's never the distance in the end.

Sometimes I read emails or little twitter posts or whatever written by people that I love more than anything else and I wonder how I ever would have come across them if it weren't for some deep seeded connection from some long ago time.

I am nothing like any of them. There is no wrong or right, there is just me and them.

missed connections

I'm not really sure how I missed the life lesson on how to make successful human bonds. But clearly, I did. Sure, I have a few people that I am close to, but I don't have the family and friends for life bond that I notice in so many other people. It's not that I feel like I'm not well liked. I think that those who know me genuinely care about me. And it's not that I don't want it. Part of me really craves that constant contact of a best friend or a close relative.

It's not that you - the collective you - can not relate to me; I am not that important that you should alter your interactions to account for those of us who see things a little differently. It is I who can not relate to you. It is I who missed the connection you were trying to make. It is I who can not understand. And for that, People of the World, I am truly sorry.

error irony

www.toothpastefordinner.com

bullshit.

I'm going to a party tomorrow and I'm joining a gym. I am not going back to that place I left in the desert.

qwerty is a language of it's own

I want to laugh in the presence of other people harder than I laugh in the solitary presence of my television.

At one point I didn't notice my neighbors. Then I realized how fortunate I was to have them; bastions of experience in a world I was left unprepared for. Now, I feel alienated by them. It's not their fault: they respond warmly to me and seem to enjoy my company. But I just can't face the small talk, the conversations I don't want to have. The days and days of newspapers in my driveway that I feel I have to explain... Small faces speaking in small voices surround them always, reminding me of things I can't have.

At least this time my isolation occurs in a place more familiar. I can take my time here, modifications can take place at my own pace.

It is hard, though, to live inside these walls always. To work here every day, to wake up and sleep here alone. To be alone so much. Even when I am with others, I feel alone. When I reach out, no one reaches back. When I try to get close, I am pushed away. Or at least I make the mistake to think so. My fingers have more contact with this keyboard than with anything else. Sometimes, I just want a nice, long, warm hug.

I carry these walls with me: they are becoming the only comfortable place for me to dwell, and it helps to see them in my head when I close my eyes. Luckily for me, I have always had a very active imagination.

Thank you Shepard family.

Hate crimes bill goes to Obama for signature.

Passion.

Free classes at MIT

Why I love my country so fucking much it hurts:

just deserts

AM talk radio

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
-H. G. Wells (1866 - 1946), The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman (1914)

haiku

so many faces
somehow i'm not one of them
even though i'm smiling

your house

reminiscing, listening to this familiar track, and feeling better about it all.

on Civil Rights

At what point is the line drawn between who can marry whom?

well, yeah.

www.nataliedee.com

I hit a deer.

I hit a deer with my car Monday night. I only know that it was a deer because I saw the fur on my bumper when the officer pointed it out. I believed him when he said he had found it; for once I didn't need to see for myself.

When it hit I thought I was dreaming. When I pulled over and saw the damage I thought it wasn't real. I thought I had killed someone and it wasn't real. I ran back down the highway, searching in the dark for a bike, a person, oncoming headlights blinding me. But there wasn't a bike, there wasn't even very much debris - only what my own car had left behind. It was like some bad dream, some strange twilight zone.

I had come away from an odd experience at the grocery store; the night shift cashier and bagger were, well, chatty to the point of absurdity. There were two cops pulling radar shifts inside the same mile. I had both hands on the wheel, going 5 under the speed limit because it was overcast and so very dark. I was just on my way home, listening to the radio.

The first officer who responded sped off to see if a passing truck had something loose and falling off the bed. The second officer who responded smoked and was in an awfully good mood. He knew his tow truck driver. None of it seemed real. I couldn't make sense of any of it. I still didn't believe it had happened.

The lawn in the median had been mowed that day, and when I got out of the car I was overwhelmed with the scents of mint and clover. That smell had attracted the buck into the road. I didn't see him coming. I didn't see him hit. I didn't see where he landed, and I didn't try to find him. I feel less guilty about it than I thought I would. It could have easily worked out the other way.

Civility.

"Never be a cynic, even a gentle one. Never help out a sneer, even at the devil."
-Vachel Lindsay (1879 - 1931)

Deer Poem

So now the placement of the "I" to the edge of this field: two

deer running.
Night's chilled touch—skin of the air upon
the skin of their hides,

all that darting and stepping through high grass, the worn trails
flooding with starlight.
Bird song, cricket trill;

the tongue flaring in their singular mind—such coarse whistling—;
the heart muscling up like a leopard—they sense
my presence—
prelude to flight.

The deer's souls (if they possess souls) no more now than
blood feathers
in nothing's song—flash of a sparrow drenched
with rain; or hawk

cry, owl cry; a flock of crows
so stretched along the gray horizon, it is one bird and then one
bird,
an isolated cry,

echoes ringing to the bleached skull of moon. Clouds stall, linger
in darkness
above this other darkness;

the cool, elegant ropes of spine uncoil. Bodies collapse. Nests of
grass
flatten and pool, settle and pool—
purr of

the river past uncut fields pressed so deep into the night it is the
earth itself.

-Dennis Hinrichsen

due diligence

hee hee you paid attention... <3

ninja

Ninja.... you're such a strange cat. Do you want my attention or not?

gentle...

"Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently. For in the very torrent, tempest, and as I may say, whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness."

-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), 'The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,' Act III, scene ii

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." - me

/I usually post famous quotes, but I'm not famous yet.

exposed.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure."

-Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

I'd rather put myself out there.

The sweetest thing

An image like this stirs up a lot of emotions. There I was, preparing to make a grocery list, in another world... I almost missed it. THIS is exactly the thing that I need right now. This is exactly the thing that I always need. This sort of recognition, this seemingly small and insignificant gesture... this is exactly what makes my heart flutter. It doesn't seem like much, but it's worth more than the world. I wonder and hope that it holds the same intentions. Why don't we just leave it at that for now, lest I plummet into some sort of long-winded narrative destined to fuck it all up with the best of intentions.

it bears repeating

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Jewish Proverb

First mend yourself, and then mend others.

Perspective.

"I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful."

-John Constable (1776 - 1837)

up, up and away

"May I never miss a sunset or a rainbow because I am looking down."
-Sara June Parker

"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation." -Judith Martin, (Miss Manners)

I am better in the written word, I think, than in person because I am unable to communicate sufficiently in the heat of the moment. I try to say the right things, but it seems that they always come out wrong. I wish there was some way that I could anticipate the reception of my words, but I haven't figured it out. I am, and always have been, socially inept.

I feel utterly misunderstood almost all of the time. There's almost never a time that I feel like what I mean is what I just said, or that my point is well received, even though I spend more time thinking about what I'm going to say than about anything else in the world. I agonize over communication, over conversation, over telling people how I feel. I wonder if I just said everything that was in my head, if that would help or hurt. If every time I thought "I love you" or "I disagree" I said it, I wonder what would happen. I wonder what would happen if I discussed my favorite book or my thoughts on religion. What would happen if I spoke freely?

So here's to hoping that the intangible quality that comes along with the third dimension meshes even half as easily as the rest of it.

If there was a way I could reach into the fog and pull you through, I would do it. But this isn't my journey, and I'm going to try not to make it into that by putting it on my timetable (ha - like I have a "timetable"). If I am not part of the problem, than it is likely that I can't be part of the solution. But I can try to take the journey with you.

So here's to hoping that even though it's hard to see me through the fog, you can at least feel me holding your hand.

Dog the Bounty Hunter

makes me remember the time that my brother and I came home from school and no one was home. I was maybe 8 or 9, and my brother was 5 or 6. My mom was ALWAYS home when we got there, and my brother was really scared.

So I broke down the door.

It was the door in the garage that lead to the laundry room. I used a 4x4 to ram it in, it took only 2 or 3 blows. The dents are still there. The frame has since been fixed.

I was just trying to protect my little brother! He was so scared!! To my mother's credit, she didn't do a lot of yelling, and I wasn't really punished. It was once of those few moments of understanding, where she got that I really did what a good big sister should, take care of her kid brother. Especially since a lot of the time, I was not a very good sister.

More for me than you

I just wanted a place to log some article I found about some crazy ass insects.

Zombie Fire Ants

Crazy Ants

Don't poison stuff.

ok that last one isn't about insects, but it's still an important point.

Playing offense.

SO what do you do when you are tied to someone for life, but you have nothing to say to them? You can't talk about your life, it's offensive at the core of it. You can't respond honestly, it's offensive. You can't cut them off, that would be offensive. You can't tell it like it is, and throw offense to the wind, because there are others to think of.

I can't keep saying I'm busy every weekend or every chance you come through. I can't keep pretending like it's just that I'm tied up, and that really I would love the company. I wouldn't. I would rather just not try and pretend like there is some sort of viable relationship there, and just be adults about it when we are forced to meet. I would rather just assume the position of acquaintance. Really, it would be so much easier on the both of us.

But that doesn't fit into your life plan, does it?

It was supposed to be 73°F

"When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure."
-Alice Hoffman, 'Here on Earth'

and randomly (or not):

"Trust one who has gone through it."
-Virgil (70 BC - 19 BC), The Aeneid

I'll hold your umbrella, if you will also hold mine.

Yes. Yes. All this and more.

Already Pretty.

“Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got."- Janis Joplin

I've always been willing to compromise. I'm the sort of person who likes to give a little more than I get, because I count the satisfaction of making someone smile as payment for my effort. I'm pretty patient, and I'm pretty tolerant. Generally.

But I'm finding that in some situations, giving more just means you are expected to give more than that. For instance, my job.

I sacrificed a lot of my life for this company. I went through some pretty intense growing pains with them, allowed myself to be put in the middle of a major controversy for the sake of my co-workers (I could have easily kept quiet, and the end result was very far from what my own voice would have spoken anyway...). I was labeled a troublemaker on one end and a union leader on the other, neither of which were true. In the meantime, my very busy region was set out to pasture. Who knows why... my attention was split, and I could only do so much. As the last of the business here dripped slowly away, I moved 1700 miles on the request of the same company that had broken so many promises to me - schooling being one of them. While I was there, I promised myself that I would never allow my job to take over my life again. I was depressed and disgusted with my career choice, and I was ready to quit. I'm glad I didn't because it turns out that I might have been floating jobless in an insane market, possibly loosing everything I've worked so hard to maintain financially.

I guess the worst part is that I call it a "job." That term implies brevity, or at least a less serious undertaking than the term "career." I work in healthcare. Healthcare shouldn't be a "job." But the fact is that I just can't wait to get out of here. It's sad, because I really do believe in what we do. I really did enjoy it. I used to happily work 50-70 hours a week at the hospitals down the street from my house. I was giving a lot more than I was getting, but it was great and rewarding work. I had a pretty good relationship with the staff and the surgeons in the area. I was proud of what I did.

I was told to sit tight, so I'm sitting tight. I guess someone is coming to save the day. In the meantime, tho, I'm not putting myself out there too much. I think I paid my dues, I got taken advantage of, and while I'm willing to pull my own weight, I think I'm generally pretty thin.

I guess I'm taking a risk publishing this. The truth is, I need this "job" for at least 2 more years. But this is my diary, of sorts, and there are few who read it, I think, so perhaps I am safe. I think that if I felt that what I had been saying was heard based on it's content instead of the perceived intent, not only would we find ourselves collectively in a better place financially (by "we" I mean my region of the company), but I would find myself much more willing to put my personal life on hold a little more often for the love of my work.

The broader picture here is how this mentality of giving until there's nothing left has leaked into my entire life, and has affected me over all. I see myself giving more than I could ever get back in any situation on the hopes that it will either make a difference or even out in the end. And, of all the things I learned in Texas, I learned to hold a little back for myself. I found I needed a little bit of an emotional bank account, because I might find myself with a bout of bad times that I can't pay for. So forgive me, all you readers, if I have been holding back a little. I've been guarding my heart in the event of a disaster. I don't expect one to take place, but then again, we almost never expect true disaster. That's what makes it disastrous.

don't look back, you can never look back...

Can't sleep, so I'm listening to 80's pop (the Go-Go's "Vacation" for the moment, preceded by "Billy Jean") and doing a little cyber-stalking of my friends and loved ones on the ol' Facebook. I did a first coat of the gold metallic paint - er, glaze - in study. It's going to look RAD once it's done, but the first coat is a little spotty. So is every first try, I guess. Piece-meal, LOL. Oh shit! Don Henley, marry me. "The Boys of Summer" is such a sexy song.

So yeah, first tries = not one's best work. Complete generalization and comparison of glazing to life. And to take it a step further, I almost bought more glaze at Sherwinn William's today. I had to grab the antique white and bright white for the non-accent walls. After dancing around the glazes for a while (no, I had not yet tried the gold metallic glaze treatment, and thought it couldn't possibly be too hard, and yes, I picked up a color scheme pamphlet jut for you - 50's mod... Hot...) I had to talk myself out of a fabulous teal glaze treatment for the too dark aquamarine wall in my front-room. (I wish John Mellencamp had kept the Cougar.) And that pretty much sums it up: I'm always biting off more than I can chew before I even know what it's going to taste like. Luckily, I generally enjoy new flavors. And every experience is a learning experience - even when I'm old hat at the whole glaze thing, I'll still be able to do it better the next time.

Please don't judge me for loving Van Halen's "Jump." I get up, and nothing gets me down.

well known

Inspiration:

Dear Lover;

I really, really like you. A lot. I'm glad I met you.

kisses,

me

I'm making up my mind.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

why

why am I so insecure? I'm a smart girl. I'm a funny girl. I'm a nice girl, I care a lot about the people I care about. I'm not an unattractive girl. Some might even think I'm positively attractive.

It's the same old story with me, tho. I just don't get emotion. I don't understand it and I don't know what to do with it. I want it, I think. I think I want to feel it. I think so. Maybe. No, I really do. I've decided. Don't get me wrong; it feels good.

But even good emotions just make me want to cry. It's too much. I get all worried that maybe I'm wrong, maybe this isn't how I should feel, maybe no one else feels this way. I wish I could say that it stems from the deepest of feelings only, but it seems to spring from the lesser ones, as well.

I need a new tattoo, and maybe a new pair of shoes. The pain of the needle or the blister will set me straight, give me something less difficult to focus on.

certainly

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
-Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

Medical Dictionary references never lie.

insufficient in·suf·fi·cient (ĭn'sə-fĭsh'ənt)
adj.

1. Not sufficient.
2. Incapable of proper functioning.

we've had a few good ideas.

"Good ideas are not adopted automatically. They must be driven into practice with courageous patience."
-Hyman Rickover

a girl has to do what a girl has to do

"Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind."

-Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519)

Sometimes, the need for patience isn't clear. Sometimes nothing in particular calls for a calm mind, yet frustration creeps in shakes up your whole scene, laying blame wherever blame lazily prostrates itself. Though I am quite tired and want to just be stagnant for a moment, I will have to take another deep breath, consider my pros and cons, and exhale a to-do list that makes sense.

I used to be a really great listener.

"To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation."

Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

gin

we all have demons. there's something that sets us all up for failure now and again. gin is that something for me.

i find myself consuming the devil in times of weakness or worry. it erases my brain, which i think is the desired affect, but then allows me to act completely outside of my character - doing things best not remembered. or so i am told.

perhaps i am not fit for consumption myself.

hiatus.

"I know of only one bird - the parrot - that talks; and it can't fly very high."
-Wilbur Wright (1867 - 1912), declining to make a speech in 1908

mountains and mole hills

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb."
-Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)

I will not stop climbing these mountains so long as the rope is securely held.

My desert oasis

Goodbye, lovely mountains. It was wonderful to reside in your cradle.

good morning, lover

"Things do not change; we change." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862), Walden (1970)

Soon, I will be moving back into the house I moved into once before, on October 31, 2004. What's spooky is how different it will be to move in again, how much I've changed. I was 24. That seems like a lifetime ago, and the number sounds so small, even though it hasn't quite been five years since then.

At 24, I wasn't out of the closet yet. I came out after I bought the house, having promised myself financial independence before emotional independence. There were a very select few people who knew then, out of sheer necessity if I recall. I had only been working as an IOM tech for seven and a half months at that point, which for me was a really long time. It was my first real job. I was a little depressed. I was lonely. I opened myself up to a world of hurt because I didn't know any better.

In the interim I became a partner and a mother. I had the pleasure of raising a beautiful little girl for several years. I was the main bread winner, and the rational parent. Eventually, I would be a soloist in both respects. I was elated to have found the attention of another woman at all. To me, it was a miracle that anyone would be interested as being an out lesbian was only a fantasy in my head up until that point, and, however misguided that was at the time, I jumped on the first train that pulled into the station. Between my mental state before D. and the absolute - and, I might add, completely unexpected - adoration for my roll as mother to her daughter, I was lost completely and unable to find what it was I had been looking for by coming out in the first place: an ability to love. I was certain that it was never going to happen, and not knowing what I was missing to a large extent, I was only concerned with my own level of annoyance and not my lack of passion and love. And the absolute dissipation of my sex drive seemed like a blessing, not a disappointment.

It took 1700 miles to get away, and it hurt like ripping off a band-aid left on too long, but I escaped. I was right back where I started, though: lonely, depressed, and ready to settle.

I did learn to love, though, and I am so grateful for the experience. It was intense. It was beautiful and grotesque all at the same time. It was young and immature. It was a first try, and it went down in a flash of beautiful flames - the explosions audible for miles and miles - just like first love should. I will be more careful next time, in the vein that I will require consistency in the level of mental, emotional, and physical stimulation and understanding. A roller-coaster of emotions is one thing; a carnival ride that breaks down in mid-air over and over again is quite another. I learned that settling was no longer an option. I learned to seek out the whole package. I learned that love can be wonderful and horrible all at once, but that it neither saves your life nor kills you.

Once the dust settled (which rarely happens in the desert, I'll have you know), I found myself metamorphosed. That which I thought might not exist was apparently real. I was able to experience it, and I deserved it. I survived it. I recognized the mistakes I made, and got to work on correcting them, as I have no other way of being. I found myself, oddly enough, happy. I finally understood that self-acceptance wasn't the only important form of acceptance there is. It absolutely is important to have the acceptance of your friends and lovers: these are the people we hand pick in our lives, and they should love us. There is no reason to choose a lover who can't love you, and poor judgement to completely ignore the advice of true friends. And as a side effect, realizing that others truly love me (and should) somehow made me love myself more, too. Expecting nothing less than general acceptance - and seeking it actively by heeding fair warning - somehow brings upon acceptance of one's self.

Fear, something I have often battled and rarely succumbed to, waned to an extent that I found myself opening up doors I had previously never thought to walk through. I opened myself up to new experiences and new people, and I have been pleasantly surprised. I opened myself up to those who might have been standing in the wings for a while, too, and was relieved to find their love still strong.

Now, after a year away and a lifetime of experiences, I am moving back home. I'll be opening up the door to my house and unpacking a u-haul trailer full to the brim with the pieces of me I'll bring back from El Paso. The house will be empty again, a condition I haven't enjoyed there in quite some time. The situation seems so eerily familiar that I can not help but connect the dots between moving in the first time and this very experience, though I am not the same person walking through the same door. I am a lifetime of experiences different. I am far more held together, far more well rounded, and far more expectant on even bigger changes to come. I like me, for starters, and I hope you do, too. I fully expect to change and grow more, and I know that the end of my twenties will open up into a world that was never available to me before, even though I'll be in exactly the same place I always was, minus this desert oasis. It's not the surroundings that will change. It's my perspective.

cute as hell

funniest joke ever

My mother said she's going to start calling me "mom" because I'm getting older, and thinks it's hysterical.

It's hysterical to call me mom as a joke. I'm laughing really fucking hard. She's a comedic genius. 

just because

Just because you weren't there for me when I went through this last time doesn't mean I never went through it. I'm not stupid. I've managed this far on my own, and I really have zero appreciation for this belated wisdom.

Lobster Knife Fight!

the crash site of unrequited love

"Most of you have been where I am tonight. The crash site of unrequited love. You ask yourself, How did I get here? What was it about? Was it her smile? Was it the way she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle, the poignant vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart? That's an age-old question. It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night."

-Martin Sage and Sybil Adelman, Northern Exposure, The Bumpy Road to Love, 1991

if you were a microphone

if you can't see the beauty in everything that exists, you must have your eyes closed.

I consider myself to be, as the phrase was coined, a "pessimistic optimist." A realist, if you will. I get that there is a lot of ugly in this world, and I make a conscious effort to find beauty and purpose everywhere. Isn't that the point? Sometimes, though, it's really hard. Sometimes you have to look really long and deep into something or someone to find that nugget of beauty that makes it all worth while. Sometimes it's impatiently hiding right there, in plain sight.

Now Math... Math is fucking crazy beautiful. Fractals, the physics of sound, the complex beauty of the laws that govern nature... it's all there and all permanent and all inclusive. Trip on some Math with me for a moment:

The video clip is computer generated, but it's based on a mathematical phenomenon that occurs in nature as well, combined lovingly with a composition generated with the intent to let the listener let go. Fractals (yes, that's a link to my favorite fractal - even better, the Mandelbrot set contains the ever famous Julia set, equally as beautiful and intriguing...) encompass the geometrical concept of self-similarity, the happening that an object magnified appears to be infinitely divisible while retaining it's own shape. The Sacred Spiral is the most famous example, and there are countless others, easily recognizable in space, weather patterns, and botany. Broccoli is a basic motherfuckin fractal.  Really.

And then there are the times when beauty pops up in the places you never expected to find it. In the places you weren't looking. Sometimes it takes you completely by surprise. Sometimes someone shows you a brand new beauty that you hadn't thought to look for.

It's the surprise beauty that gets me every time. Like lovely little ninjas, creeping up behind you, hiding in obnoxious and unordinary places, little surprise beauties have the infallible ability to take my Mood by storm and force. They show up so unexpectedly, and make such an impact, that every time something like this comes along, I'm left reeling for days.

I've been fortunate enough to come across a few people with the ability to accidentally help me stumble upon the beauty of this world, whether they intend to or not.  Kindred spirits seeking out the same subtle seductions - often unintentionally, always unexpectedly, they pop up in places just as un-obvious as the beauties they unfold. 

Keep your eyes open. Pulchritude abounds.

Enter Romeo...

ROM:

He jests at scars that never felt a wound. 

Enter Juliet above at a window.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! 

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, 

Who is already sick and pale with grief(5) 

That thou her maid art far more fair than she. 

Be not her maid, since she is envious. 

Her vestal livery is but sick and green, 

And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. 

It is my lady; O, it is my love!(10) 

O that she knew she were! 

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? 

Her eye discourses; I will answer it. 

I am too bold; 'tis not to me she speaks. 

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,(15) 

Having some business, do entreat her eyes 

To twinkle in their spheres till they return. 

What if her eyes were there, they in her head? 

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars 

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven(20) 

Would through the airy region stream so bright 

That birds would sing and think it were not night. 

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! 

O that I were a glove upon that hand, 

That I might touch that cheek!(25)

JUL:

Ay me!

ROM:

She speaks. 

O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art 

As glorious to this night, being o'er my head, 

As is a winged messenger of heaven(30) 

Unto the white-upturned wond'ring eyes 

Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him 

When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds 

And sails upon the bosom of the air. 

JUL:

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?(35) 

Deny thy father and refuse thy name! 

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, 

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

ROM:

Aside.

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

JUL:

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.(40) 

Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. 

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, 

Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part 

Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! 

What's in a name? That which we call a rose(45) 

By any other name would smell as sweet. 

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, 

Retain that dear perfection which he owes 

Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name; 

And for that name, which is no part of thee,(50) 

Take all myself.

ROM:

I take thee at thy word. 

Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd; 

Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

JUL:

What man art thou that, thus bescreen'd in night,(55) 

So stumblest on my counsel?

ROM:

By a name 

I know not how to tell thee who I am. 

My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, 

Because it is an enemy to thee.(60) 

Had I it written, I would tear the word.

JUL:

My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words 

Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound. 

Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague?

ROM:

Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.(65) 

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

When you go, take me with.

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living."

-Miriam Beard

written in the Notes on my blackberry waiting to see Tom Waits just after I moved to El Paso.

I'm in the middle of madness. 20 minutes into the wait for my first drink, and I've taken stock of the local fare: I'm in a mix of old hippies and new hippsters. Fashion crimes are being committed left and write: there are no victimless crimes. My eyes are assaulted, and the left one, a masochist, is loving it. The right one just wants the drink, goddamnit. I can't help but wonder if the fact that I'm here alone, clearly in everyday garb, makes me hipper or not in the eyes of my equally as foolish contemporaries, each believing that he is the most like Him. I've never been in the presence of so many members of the dead poet's society before; an eclectic mix of 23 year olds trying to be old professors, and old professors trying to be jack karuack. None of us are crazy enough, or genius enough, to compare. None of us want to belong. I wonder how many lesbians are here; real lesbians, not fashion lesbians. Maybe... 7. I'm sure they're sold out of scotch by now, and nobody really drinks scotch. I'm having a double tanguery and tonic, because I'm not supposed to. Lovely. Chaos is the fashion tonight. Order, purposeful chaos.

i love this book

I can't stop calculating the number of boxes I am allowed to bring!!!

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

-Robert Fritz

"How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire!"

-Belva Plain

"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain."

-Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD)

Favete Linguis

"It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence.

-Seneca (5 BC - 65 AD)

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

-Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."

-Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

Smile.

Smile today! Just do it! smile from ear to ear, wrap your arms around you and squeeze.

Dissociations

...Madeleine is mortified, but also relieved because Mr. March seems to have forgotten what he asked her in the first place. He continues handing out the blue textbooks - Living with Arithmetic, which makes it sound like a disease, which it is. Madeleine peeks inside. Sure enough, the enticing drawing, intriguing juxtapositions of rifles and cakes, cars and hats. "Into how many sets of 8 can you divide 120 children for square dancing?" What children? Where do they live? Are they orphans? "At the rifle range Bob scored 267 points. His father scored 423 points..." Who is Bob? Why is allowed to have a gun? Insincere amounts of Mrs. Johnson baking pies, Mr. Green putting apples into boxes, hogs into trucks, all in treacherous narrative veneer on the stark problems of how much, when, how long, and how many left over, the human characters mere evil impostors of numbers...

-Anne Marie MacDonald, the way the crow flies

Perhaps

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it."
-George Moore

know better

whew! over-tired email can be just as dangerous as intoxicated email. close call though.

where x = thus

"Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?"
-Artemus Ward (1834 - 1867)

book it.

"There is no mistaking a real book when one meets it. It is like falling in love."
-Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957)

Nothing happens

without Texas.

geometry at Work

There is something to be said 

for flesh and blood

thrown on the floor in distraction

the smell of singed hair

a rough exterior

and a sulfur palette

the labor of love.

There is something to be said

for flesh and blood

held sweetly in my hands

the scent of morning dew on her stomach

sweet soft velvet fingertips

and a piquancy of sweat

the labor of love.

writer's block

If you could read the posts written and not posted recently - those which haven't made the cut - you'd slap me. They're horrible. Whimsical pony and rainbows bullshit. I'm in a rut, so to speak, maybe the sweetest kind. But I've addressed this before. There are a few reasons for my specific brand of writer's block, and right now I'm just a little dissimilar. Consider this fair warning for the cotton candy commentary to follow, I'm sure.

goodmorning

4.5.09 2:21pm

I like your eyebrows. and I'm house broken!

(fill in the blank)

"sometimes life gets in the way of living."

-The Talented Ms. Ripley.

Coincidentally

"Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it."
-Anonymous

i know what i need!

i need to make a LIST!

all will be right with the world once again.

i rated it an 8 on a scale from 1 to 10, but I smiled nonetheless.

Whoa, Nelly!

"Our patience will achieve more than our force."
-Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

"So divinely is the world organized that every one of us, in our place and time, is in balance with everything else."
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity."
-Louis Pasteur (1822 - 1895)

geometrically

"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."

-Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"

Walt Whitman (1819 - 1892)

Though, on the other hand,

"Vigorous writing is concise."
-William Strunk Jr., "The Elements of Style", 1919

temporary acquiescence to the juxtaposition

I have been fairly internal lately, on the deeper level, and it has shown up here as well: I have been short with you, giving only the subject of my thoughts and not the thoughts themselves. Well, I've pulled through on occasion, but my sillier self seems to have taken over briefly, this serious side a shortened staccato, the comedy a broad reprise. A sinusoidal personality. There is an ebb and flow, I promise that much, though the wavelength changes often unpredictably. Shall I rest comfortably around 450 Hz, or speed up to 700? Should I guide myself along the path, or close my eyes and feel my way between the trees, by touch, by scent? Are these my Plinian eruptions, can these things be mutually exclusive? 

A Jewish Proverb

First mend yourself, and then mend others.

OK here it comes.

I'm super paranoid that I'm super stupid. Just for now.

health is as elusive

"[Sleep is] the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together."
-Thomas Dekker (1572 - 1632)

distracted...

i have been. 

me? easily distracted? nah....

stop looking and start snapping.

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know."

-Diane Arbus (1923 - 1971), (1923-1971)

cold + scientific = hot

You're just what I was needing today, Mood, I just can't help it, what am I supposed to do? I keep thinking I should change the record, but I just can't pull away from you today, Mood. Perhaps it's the reemergence into reality from the drugged stupor of the last few days. Maybe, Mood... maybe it's a little leftover giddiness from the narcotics that's bought this on. Maybe it's because the swelling has gone down, and it doesn't hurt to smile a little now. I should at least put a mix on, maybe leave you peppered in there... but you're a welcome change, Mood, and I just. might. like. it. 

I thought she was going to put it in my butt!

Among the festivities in the ER on Sunday evening, there was the administering of the pain medications. 

The nurse told me that the shots were going to go into my butt cheek or my thigh. She asked me to drop my pants a little so that she could give me the pokes of pain relief, so I obliged and dropped my pants to just above my knee.

She laughed, and give me both shots above my hip - pretty much right at the waist line of my jeans. I seriously took my pants off in front of a stranger for no reason. Just sorta "hey, wanna see my undies?"

Thema was there, and she laughed at me, too. Well, she said she was going to put it in my butt!

agree to disagree.

"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say."
-Marshall McLuhan (1911 - 1980)

just slap some wheels on the bottom of that baggage

"Life wouldn't be worth living if I worried over the future as well as the present."

-W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), 'Of Human Bondage', 1915

"An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth."

-Bonnie Friedman, in New York Times

"This only is denied to God: the power to undo the past."

-Agathon (448 BC - 400 BC), from Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

i'm so uncomfortable!!!!

OK i need to BITCH a little. I'm fucking sweating my dick off bc it's about 137 F and the narcs are making it worse by making we sweat buckets, but i still hurt and my stomach is messed up. 

the good news is that i'm hiiiiiiiiiiiigh which is a nice break for sure but the bad news is that it means I can't drive to the hospital to pick up the phenagrine for my nausea. 

ramble on

i am on medication and i have a million thoughts and no patience to actually put them down here without rambling irrationally.

so here: "Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content." 

- Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

i'm feeling a little jaded

"You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it." 

- Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834 - 1892)

built in eye-shadow

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." 

-Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992), Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

oink!

All of this joking about the hypersensitive mass hysteria over swine flu, and I completely lost my sushi last night. And it was vegetarian sushi, so no, I didn't eat bad fish. This is just karma reminding me of my place. Which, I have to say, I've been out of lately. So the flu brings me back down to earth a little. Thanks, karma, I guess it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. 

Though I can't help but point out that in the middle of a swine flu PANDEMIC, I happen to get some other sort of flu, completely randomly... which just proves my point even more that the chances of dying from swine flu are near nil and this is all just advertising madness. So there.

But I did throw away my old toothbrush. Just in case.

addiction

DNBHEAVEN.COM

Six tons of bombs to put on my target

"...slow and heavy with six tons of bombs to put on the target five hours away. They'll see their own shadows rippling across the grey sea below..." -Ann-Marie MacDonald, the way the crow flies.

AH!

even here there are things I can't say, and I am not not used to keeping a diary. My hand-writing has gone to shit, and my ADD can't handle it and I end up re-writing my diary entry five times. And if I'm going to type I feel like I HAVE to do it here. Because you all want to know so badly. My adoring public.

I could probably announce that I have leprosy (i don't!) here and no one would notice.

Hmmm.... I could announce a LOT of things... 

summer parties

i have always loved summer parties

i can close my eyes and hear my uncles singing

or smell a hog roast

i can feel the heat of the sparklers in my hand

the damp coolness of a flush face from racing my brother

to catch fire flies

the feeling of deck wood under wet feet in the dark

and slippery floatation devices clinging coldly to my waist

or shorts worn in a cool breeze when there was still blond fuzzy hairs on your legs that the wind could blow

just a little

this ride may not be suitable for adults who have a heart condition

fuckthismutherfuckingbullshitbackandforth. i'm so mutherfuckingdoneyoudon'teven k n o w. 

;)

past tense.

new

i can't stop. lol... man.

themelessness is my theme

sometimes I can not stop looking, and other times I do not want to be bothered by any of it.

What if

i'm never ready for kids again?

tired

yeah all that bullshit about being the gladiator of slumber falls to hell when your neighbors are participating in a series of temper tantrums all night. >:(

also, there have only been 91 cases of swine flue in the US so far. NOT everyone who has the flu has the swine flu, and not everyone who has the swine flu is going to die.

where x = death.

"The fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself." -Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

What if

What if I do not find the person I want to spend my life with before the point in my life that I want to stop having babies? As in, those events need to really start overlapping at some point in the next handful of years. And I am not ready.

But I miss children. While I was busy being selfish and sorry for myself, while I was busy with some parts of my heart I hadn't had much experience with, I sometimes forgot how much I really miss being a parent. And even how much I miss just being a nanny! How much I miss those kids, and how sure I am that I need to have them in my life. I don't think I will ever be really complete without that sort of love again.

And maybe now that I have lost everything, one at a time, in such strangely juxtaposed occasions, I will learn some sort of lesson. Maybe I will gain some sort of appreciation. 

Or worse. Maybe there is something more to loose.

I am like a trained athlete when it comes to sleep.

It is such a beautiful night, and I am enjoying this part of my life. This emotional freedom. I am not bound by anyone, maybe for the first time ever. I don't think I have ever been so... well-rested.

Yes, it's late, and yes, I'm up. I have to work tomorrow, but I'm not stressed out about it. I have been sleeping very well lately, so that even some of my wrinkles have relaxed. I could sleep right now, but I won't. I'm going to stay up just a little while longer. Just a few more breathes of fresh air on this balcony, just a few more tracks from this playlist...

First in the GIS for "beauty"

followed by several near naked, and also beautiful, women.

GIS for "interesting"

I don't want your pretty words anymore

and I know that bothers you. I'm really sorry about it; I know we had different intentions. You were practicing poetry, and I was reading the gospel truth. 

asystole

l(a

le
af
fa
ll

s)
one
l

iness

e.e. cummings

Hopefully.

...i would like to have a new story to throw into the rotation.

one that doesn't end in my eyes swelling shut. or a rash. hopefully.

-

WHITNEY: You'll probably be allergic to her perfume and end up with both. 

- 

awesome.

true love.

i <3 DJ CarL Matthes.

Rayleigh scattering

So much of this has been the result of intoxicated bliss.

I don't know what to expect next, I have let go of my plans.

My body has paid dearly for this experiment, though it has reaped two fold what is has sown.

My reality is less solid than it once was, and is something of a fluid state. Bliss?

I want these desert nights never to end, I want to suspend time.

With one exception.

hmmm.... anonymity....

l
o
v
e
l
y

Soundtrack.

I'm usually listening to BuzzOutRoom when I'm writing. In case you ever want to put a soundtrack to my blog.

Henrietta Pussycat.

This is Henrietta Pussycat. She is in kidney failure. I am not sure if she will be able to handle the re-introduction of the rest of the pack back into her life without relapsing into poor health. She has been through a lot, and I might need some help with her. :( 

When I found Hen at the Coles County animal shelter, it was clear that she should come home with me. The moment I walked into the room, she screamed, all four of her tiny, tiny paws grasping at me through the bars of her cage. I thought if I left without her, she'd escape and hunt me down, smothering me with her tiny rat hands. I brought her home out of fear for my life.  She's about the best cat evar, and as much of a pain in the ass as I am known to love about my women.  If she were a human, I'd forever be chasing her tail.

Anyone with me on this?

I wonder if anyone else has the same sorts of impulses that I have: the kind you ALWAYS ignore. Like "maybe I'll taste this all purpose cleaner" or "I should probably put this fork in the socket, just to see what all the fuss is about." Maybe even along the lines of "I'm just going to go get laid tonight" or "I am going to punch this chick in the mouth if she doesn't STFU" or "what if I drive my car off this bridge?" 

Warning label, or prediction for the future of human relationships?

A friend request has been sent to this user. If your request is accepted, you will be friends on MySpace.

I'm going to have to get a lot cuter if I think I can keep on this same track.

I've made so many mistakes. I'm not sure that a whole lot of anything that I did in my last 2 relationships was actually good or well thought out in any way. I always had the best intentions, but I never executed very well. Who knows if I am going to end up being good at this. I can't imagine that someone with such good intentions would continue to fail so miserably. 

challanged

Anyone who thinks that women don't love a challenge hasn't dated one. There is no problem we do not think we can solve, no broken heart we can not force to mend. No double-negative we can't look in the eye.

I am not immune to this sort of thinking - and even though I realize the futility in believing that I can do anything to change anyone, really, I will likely still try. I hope that I don't, though, and I hope that I have the courage and confidence to simply walk away when the next girl inevitably tries to change me. 

It's not the change, I fear, and for certain someone will have insight into my flaws soon enough to start a whole new molting toward my metamorphosis. It's the forced change, the nagging change, the begging change. The please, if you love me, you will do this change. Ugh. Maybe I don't love you, then. Maybe we're just not in love.

I think I may have officially lost my mind.

so long to my last shred of dignity:

i have no explanation for my decision making skills.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives."
- Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999

"One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything."
- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)

"Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes." - Henry J. Kaiser (1882 - 1967)

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

"The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect."
- Esther Dyson, Interview in Time Magazine, October 2005

Or you might use it as a means to a more sensitive end.

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."
- Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

If you've never read The Little Prince, you should.

"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900 - 1944), "The Little Prince", 1943

Lies I have told in my blog.

My politics are fixed: I do think my politics through, but I can be swayed. And I do not always vote my personal ideals. 

I am always compassionate or passionate: In reality, I can be cold. I don't like it, but it's true. Actually, I don't mind it that much. Sometimes it's just easier to be aloof.

I want to be in love all of the time: ugh. No. Can I breathe for a moment first? I just got thrown through the window in an emotional car crash and I just want to enjoy the morphine for a while.

I'm always brooding over some deep seated emotional breakthrough: I am mostly checking out boobs or napping or taking facebook quizzes about what Jesus thinks about me.

My loneliness is a symptom of needing to spend a lot of time with people: Well, I just like to have the option; it's the forced solitude that has gotten to me. A lot of times, I like to be alone. 

Moving.

I think I'm going to disable the feed of the blog into my facebook notes. I will still be here, but I don't need to force myself into your lives. I guess I just don't need the attention any more. Don't worry, you can still come here and find me, and I'll be happy to entertain.

I'm just the sort of girl who writes things down...

Why don't you hold back, why do you put it all out there, for everyone to see? Why do you have no secrets? There may be some bit of egomaniacal confusion happening here:  putting my whole self out there on a platform, yet feeling shocked when anyone pays attention. 

I am a writer. Whether it's well recounted or poorly contrived, I feel the need to write.  This is my penance for meeting Mort Castle, hearing him tell me I've got talent and offering to get my writing published, and then blowing him off. Twice. And I have nothing else to write but my own thoughts here in my solitary confinement, in my desert landscape. 

But why not fiction? Ah, and there's the trick. Because I am not that interesting, yet here you are, reading my thoughts as they post. There's the craft, the work the words do to make my thoughts seem more thoughtful.  The fiction is the intrigue, the feeling that there is someone deep behind these words. So that when in person I refuse to be serious, when I make a fool out of myself as I inevitably do, you remember that there is another layer, and I am not some buffoon.

There is but one question:

bare

I am bare, here, naked in these pages. Forgetting that my secrets are all out, that there's nothing new I can reveal about my recent past that can't be found or inferred from right here. I blush when I find a comment, infrequently, or when someone remarks about something they've read. I forget that my blinds are open, then you can see inside while I'm changing. I am here, exposing myself to the skin in a glass house, feeling the walls around me, failing to recognize their transparency.

So here I am, then, search as deep as you care to dive. It's all here, so far, a metamorphosis dreamed up after Kafka took hold of me, shook me, and left me wondering how it would end. Even those secrets, those flaws, those mistakes... they are all here. Triumph and tragedy, comedy and discontent, none so interesting as I would like to imagine, but all here nonetheless. Available, that is, if you so desire it.

Arachnophobia

Yes, I am going to be an entomologist and I am arachnophobic, though to a lesser extent than I used to be. 

It was the summer between my sophomore and junior years of  college, and I was staying in Charleston in my first apartment (dump) over the summer to do research with Paul Switzer. (Favorite. Professor. Evar.) We were working out at the swamp in a middle of a cornfield at the time, running territoriality studies with amberwings. We had some rain or something or for whatever reason were a little bit behind. I went on a Sunday afternoon by myself to tag some dragonflies and take some data in order to play catch up. I was out in the hot sun, waders schtuck in the mud around the pond. There I was, minding my own business, when a giant black water spider ran over my left boot. It was the size of a fucking ping-pong ball.

My reaction? I dropped my clipboard, binoculars, marker, and butterfly net right where I stood, ran full speed around the pond and through the field to my pickup and gunned it out onto the road and halfway home before I realized I had left everything behind. 

Then there was the time I picked up a load of laundry off the floor only to have a wolf spider fatter than both of my thumbs put together jump out of the washing machine at me. For some reason, this prompted an immediate strip down to my underwear. In the kitchen. 

Don't ask, because I don't know.

I am like a photograph of myself

taken from far, far away.

la cucaracha.

Thursday, May 29, 2008 

Spanish Sentence of the Day. 

Current mood: amused 

Category: Automotive

My new El Paso friend has been kind enough to start sending me Spanish Sentences of the Day. I am cataloging them here.

May 27, 2008 5:53 PM

English:

That cockroach is staring at me with a grin.

Spanish Translation:

Esa cucaracha está mirandome fijamente con una sonrisa. 

Lol, hope these will be of some help to you!

besos! 

May 28, 2008 2:09 PM

English:

I think I found a toe nail in my taco.

Spanish Translation:

Pienso que encontré una uña de dedo del pie en mi taco.

I hope you never need to use this one, but just in case! 

May 29, 2008 11:38 AM

English:

I don't carry any cash please don't stab me!

Spanish Translation:

¡No llevo ningún efectivo no me apuñale por favor!

Lol, beware of the wrong sides of town!

May 30, 2008 10:08 AM

English

No! I will not expose myself for a necklace of beads!

Spanish Translation

¡No! ¡No me expondré para un collar de perlas de plastico!

Or if you are sassier than I

English

Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Spanish Translation

Demuéstreme lo suyo y yo le demostrare lo mio.

Translation.

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

Get it?

Quotes

"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it. If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible to make it the premise of our philosophy." -W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), The Razor's Edge, 1943

I found myself after all.

I have altered my body in a profound and permanent way. I changed my lifestyle completely: I had no idea how far reaching into my life vegetarianism would become. I have untangled myself from an emotional bondage that once threatened to take my life. I have given myself permission to pursue a passion I had always wanted to develop but wouldn't out of fear. I have fallen in love, hard, and lived through heartbreak. I learned that love is real, and not some Hollywood fairy-tale. Nor is it simply the chemical reaction manifest purely by the genetic drive to procreate. Love is something divine which needs no purpose.  And I am ready to do it again, I think, even though I thought I would never want to. I have discovered flaws, which had gone unrecognized and un-admitted to, and I have made the decisions necessary to solve them, or at least try. I have learned to fear my age less, and know that my life is just starting, not ending: this is the good part, the sweet spot. I have gone back and covered ground that I had skipped over in adolescence. I have completed exercises in forgiveness and gratitude, though there is more work to do. I have accepted that there is always more work to do. I have learned to let go of the things I can not control, or at least try, and I have learned to control the things I once thought were beyond my influence. I have reached a milestone in my career. I have enrolled in a Master's degree program that will maneuver me toward the career of my dreams. I have made wise investments. I have lost large amounts of time and money to my mistakes, I have anguished over these losses, and I have learned to accept them as payment toward my mental health, for some investments pay off best when the market is down. I have plunged myself headfirst into a dark abyss and found myself emerging on the other side, as if this bottomless pit were really just a long tunnel toward freedom. I have rested. I have followed my Heart without questioning her, and found her to have both invaluable insight and a poor sense of direction. I have found her compass can be returned to true north by Logic. I have learned that Logic does not answer all questions after all. I have become more human, and less robotic. I have become comfortable enough to change my image so that the world sees me for who I am, and not just who I was comfortable introducing. I am worth knowing, worth seeing. I have learned to hold back, too, when it's appropriate. I have lived on the side of a mountain, and I have been to the top of it. I have promoted my humor from Secretary of Defense to Director of Foreign Relations. I am less afraid of people, and less afraid of making an asshole out of myself. I have sung karaoke. Poorly.  I have done what so many wish they could do: I have embarked on a journey of self-discovery which took me across a vast country and will return home with a clean slate. I have redefined the definition of home, and know that it exists here in the desert for me as much as it does in the places I grew up. I was able to be a part of a social movement which has been unmatched in history, by fate and by chance, and was present when it became victorious, or at least at it's first steps toward victory. I have revived my patriotism. I have confronted almost every fear. I went looking for myself in a cultural island and found myself there, just waiting to be discovered, not far from the boarder of Mexico. Ellos siempre dicen el tiempo cambia las cosas, pero en realidad tiene que cambiar por sí mismo.

I'm always honest.

"Confusion is always the most honest response." -Marty Indik

It's true.

"People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust." - E. B. White (1899 - 1985)

Quotes

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." - Willa Cather (1873 - 1947), The Song of the Lark, 1915

Foolish.

I super wish I was home today so that I could play some pranks on some people. It's Isabella's birthday today, so I have a built in joke that I tell myself every year, LOL.

I am enjoying watching the ridiculousness from afar, though.

It's all I have to bring to-day

It's all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,— 
Some one the sun could tell,—
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell.

-Emily Dickinson

Two atria, two ventricles.

"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs." -Henry Ford (1863 - 1947)

Oh, Bill, you jokester.

www.superpoop.com

Why is everything so complicated?

www.nataliedee.com

I'm seriously bored.

Who am I gonna be?

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be." - Chuck Palahniuk (1962 - ), Invisible Monsters, 1999

If it were as windy at home right now as it is in El Paso, I'd be in the hallway under a mattress.

I'm getting pretty nervous about nearing 30 and being single. Whew. I don't think I really ever realized how much so before. This is a driving force that can not reasonably be subtracted from the recent past. I did not give it enough credit.

I know that so many of my friends and peers are in my age group and single. I know that 30 is NOT old. I don't feel old. Just... lonely. Not the crying myself to sleep kind of lonely. Not the kind of lonely where you don't leave the house and you can't eat, not the ineverwanttodothisagain inconsolable kind. No... it's the kind of lonely that means the phone just might not ring today, the kind where you really don't have someone to tell your secrets to. The kind of lonely where you might not leave the house after all, but it happened on accident.   Just the every-day sort of lonely.

What's worse is that I am pretty sure that I won't be jumping in to anything any time soon. And what's worse than that is the fact that I'll probably be ready far before I actually meet anybody, unless I suddenly grow a set of balls. Is it too late to pick up a New Year's Resolution? This year, I resolve to stop being such a poon all the time and just buy her a drink.

I wonder if I am cliche, already. If somewhere there is some parody of myself that I am unaware of. I am sure that I can not escape the power of the bell curve, and stereotypes exist for a reason, so I'm sure that there is some underlying definition here which, if I knew of it, would give me a glimpse into whether or not this ends poorly. If you see me in the Urban Dictionary, send me the link.

I need Chicago. The desert is desolate, tonight; it is dry and windy. I need the precipitation to clear the tumbleweeds out of my head. I need the humidity.

In the time frame of the gestation period for a house pet

I'm going home. The reality of the situation hasn't sunk in, and I am still too scared to make any solid plans. But I have to start looking at pricing for the move back, making reservations for a moving truck of some caliber, figuring out if I'm making the drive solo or not, securing boxes, making sure I get rid of all the junk in my apartment, finding homes for my furniture, obtaining tranquilizers for my cats. I have to figure out my living situation back home, since I may end up with a roommate, or not, depending on who knows how many variables. Winding down my relationships here, tying loose ends... these tasks will be the most difficult.

Some part of me still holds out hope that I will find a compelling reason to stay. I know this part, well; it seems we have forged quite a bond over the last 9 1/2 months. She isn't very bright, I don't think, and maybe I should stop listening to her... a master negotiator has my heart become, though, and I have given myself in to the tendency of listening to her regardless of her reasoning.

I am excited to go home, but I am so sad to leave this place. I am so sad to leave you. There isn't enough time, it seems, for the trajectory of my life to be swayed off this course for now. I gave you ample warning. I offered everything I could. And I predict that you will ask me to stay far after the point that you know it isn't possible anymore, for all the reasons you can think of. For all the reasons you have admitted to thus far, and several more for which you still won't concede. That's alright, though, I'll forgive you. There is no use in my holding onto these threads anymore, they really aren't tying me down. I've been drowning in a wading pool for so long; I thought I was dying but I was holding my head under 6 inches of water. My perception has been distorted... I'm not even sure what this is supposed to look like anymore.

Ah well. Sometimes admitting defeat is in and of itself a victory. Sometimes, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em... 

Suckas!

Ha-Ha, I got to do my run through solo 1700 miles away from anyone who might remember my poor behavior, and you all had to grow up with the people who saw you through this sort of misadventure. I get to leave these memories behind; no one knows the extent of how bad it got but me, and I get to walk away scot free. I get a fresh start.

Well at least for one more June...

www.nataliedee.com

I'm so predictable

Change takes time, I'm finding. I thought I would be able to move to El Paso and get myself all straightened out in no time flat. But it's almost been a year, and I still have so much to learn. I am ready to go home, though. I think that's a good sign. For a long time, as miserable as I was, I didn't want to move home. At all. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay here, and I'm not saying that staying here for a while would be such a bad thing. But I am starting to find the things about my life before that I miss... that were healthy. There wasn't too much, but there was some, and what I have found is that the things I miss are very large and important to me. I miss the amount of work that I put into my house, and I wish that the house was in down-town Chicago as a condo and not as a house on a lot with a gravel drive-way in Indiana. I miss my friends. I miss Jim a LOT (hey BFF!) and I miss my work peeps (BNNFF, LOL WTF). I miss the girls in Indiana, straight as they are, because we can talk girly things and they love me and never judge me and will tell me I'm pretty and hug me if I need it without question. I miss the rain. I miss the trees. I miss plants that feel like skin rather than teeth. I miss the smell of humus soil.

There are a lot of things about the desert that I am starting to love, though, and spring is renewing my appreciation for them. I really love the warm weather here. I do not miss snow or excessive cold. I do not miss owning a show shovel. I like the wild-life: I get to see all sorts of critters, like snakes and tarantulas and scorpions, which I had never really seen before in the wild. I like the view from my balcony; I like the Scenic Drive view. I like living on a mountain. I like the solitude, as hard as that is to believe, and the chance that this has given me to try to find myself.

I'm not sure that El Paso is where I will end up finding me after all, but this place has taught me what to look for, so that I will recognize myself when I see me in the distance.

I'm starting to recognize something specifically humorous about my life...

I have a feeling we act out certain aspects of adolescence in ernest as an honest practice run for adult life. I think we might not be able to skip that part, no matter how old we are - following the exact same patterns and follies as you would have gone through it at sixteen.

Jerks!

How come no one ever comments on my blog? You guys are all a bunch of jerks!

Not really, I know you read these and you know I love you. FACEBOOK BLOG IMPORT, YOU ASS! you're stealing all my blog hits! 

The Stinky Sweater Story

Back when I was in the last leg of my undergraduate degree, every time I had a few extra bucks I would head to the local thrift and shop. I picked up this really cute green sweater and couldn't wait to wear it. Even though it was spring, it was Illinois spring, so it was cold enough for a sweater still on most days. I did laundry that night so I could wear it the next day.

On this particular day, though, it was warmer than I had anticipated in the afternoon hours, and I didn't have time to run back to my apartment and grab something lighter. Some of the classrooms were a little warm, so I was sweating a little bit. Now I have never had a problem with bad B.O., and I certainly never carried that super-sharp, spicy odor that makes you want to get off the bus a few stops early when someone who does takes the seat next to you.

A lot of people made the same mistake that I did, so it was one of those days where everyone was a little warmer than comfortable and a lot of people were perspiring. It was no surprise to smell that awful oder in the air from time to time, and it seemed that someone with this particular brand of B.O. was following me around all day. It wasn't odd to think that I would run into the offender often, as senior classes tended to concentrate on the major, and you would often find yourself sharing most classes with several of the same people all day long.

Between classes, I was in the computer lab, and my crush took a seat next to me. We were talking about what colleges we were applying to for grad school and I was starting to think that my crush was the offender, because the smell was really strong. 

Anyone who's ever spent any substantial time in a computer lab knows that the chairs are uncomfortable and the desk hight is almost never ideal. So you find yourself stretching a lot in order to compensate for the poor posture that the situation creates. I leaned back, raised my arms above my head for a good stretch, and was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of the foul stench that had been tailing me all day. As the smell hit me, so did the realization that I was not, in fact, being followed by a stinky colleague. I was the stinky colleague. 

I rushed home, skipping a class out of embarrassment, to shower. I couldn't believe that I smelled so bad all day. I knew that other people could smell me. But I didn't understand how in the world I had come to suddenly carry such a horrible stench around me all day when I had never been prone to such strong body oder, especially given the fact that I had showered that morning and hadn't done anything particularly physically taxing.

The answer came the very next time I wore the sweater and smelled the same familiar scent: the previous owner of the sweater was the original offender, and her personal brand of hygienic failure was embedded in the armpits of the garment. All that was necessary was a little body heat, and little pockets of reek burst open into the air, causing me to smell so bad that I offended myself. 

I brought the sweater back to the thrift store as a donation: I couldn't resist the temptation of the ultimate practical joke played on a complete stranger. I was never blessed with the satisfaction of seeing (or rather, smelling) the next poor sucker who wore the stinky sweater next. But I knew she was out there, somewhere, stinkin' up the place.

Last night

I had some really deep thought about my life last night at the bar, and I was certain I would remember it long enough to blog it. Of course, I have no idea what it was, and no amount of reverse recall from the night before helps lead me back to my epiphany. So I will share this quote instead:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -Leo Tolstoy (1828 - 1910)

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

www.nataliedee.com

my TFLife

www.marriedtothesea.com

Better than it's ever been

Things are better than they've ever been before. Everything seems to be calming down.

Brace yourself.

I just got choked up over a commercial about some kids helping a little wheel-chair boy ride in a go-cart. It's that time again. Everyone take cover - this will be your only warning.

I'm not so bad.

I'm really starting to feel better about myself. I am realizing that I have a lot to offer, and that I am and want to be a generous provider, a generous lover, and a generous friend. I want to keep trying to improve myself and my relationships. I want to calm the fears in the heart of my lover. I want to stir passion in her eyes every day. I want to surprise her often with flowers and vacations when able. I want to be everything she ever needs in a partner. Whomever she is. Whenever she allows it.

Quotes to keep you company at night

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep." -Dale Carnegie

I was pretty productive tonight. Sigh. No sleep.

It's in there still...

Put your hand over my heart. 

Quotes

Let's take it down a notch. I just Obama'd in my pants a little... I need a little perspective here.

"Remember! Things in life will not always run smoothly. Sometimes we will be rising toward the heights - then all will seem to reverse itself and start downward. The great fact to remember is that the trend of civilization itself is forever upward, that a line drawn through the middle of the peaks and the valleys of the centuries always has an upward trend." -Endicott Peabody (1857 - 1944)

Obama on... well on being in the top slot in my "Heros of the 21st Century" list. Sorry Jane, you've slipped to a close second. It's nothing personal.

Obama joined the UN in signing a Declaration to Decriminalize Homosexuality; a declaration that the Bush administration refused to sign back in December. At that time, the US was the only westernized nation not to sign the declaration.

Other than Bush, what other national governments refused to sign? Well, it seems mainly Islamic nations ruled by religion rather than government, and the Vatican. Hmmm.... so, it seems that perhaps the whole "separation of church and state" thingy was sorta pushed aside for this one, huh, W? Ah, well, we're back on track. (As a side note, I am always amazed by the similarities between the ideals of Conservative Republicans/Religious Right, Radical Islam, and the Vatican. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black...)

While this Declaration does NOT bind the US government to change the current laws which allow discrimination against the LGBT community (such as employment discrimination, housing discrimination, healthcare discrimination, contractual discrimination... Did you know that in many states I can LOOSE MY JOB for just being gay on my own time? I can loose my livelihood, my career, over what happens in my BEDROOM. Did you know I can be refused as a renter of an apartment because the landlord might not like who occasionally spends the night?), it does encourage steps toward ending discrimination in this country and leveling the playing field so that our citizens can go about conducting their business based on their merit, not on their mojo.

Not only that, but Obama has finally taken some bold steps forward in allowing scientists to, well, get back to the business of science. The embryonic stem cell research ban limiting federal funding for a mechanism that could cure innumerable diseases and conditions, saving an untold number of lives, has been lifted. Environmental policies ranging from emissions to energy to endangered species are under review. The US is finally acknowledging Global Climate Change. And he seems to be doing it the right way: by allowing the scientists to get their science on. 

Rather than making decrees based on ideology, Obama is leaving it to the scientific communities and agencies that actually know what their talking about to make the calls necessary to get us back on the pathway not only to smart decision making, but to innovation and invention: the foundations of the American Dream. And he's keeping his religion out of it. 

That whole separation of Church and State thingy I mentioned before, the one that had been ignored over the last eight years? It's an important divide. What we're talking about here is specializing in your field of expertise rather than trying to be a jack of all trades. Religion (based necessarily on faith, not fact) has no business sticking it's hand in the scientific or political cookie jars (Galileo, are you watching this?), just as politics and science have no business dictating laws or campaigns restricting religion. These are separate issues. 

And as far as the relationship between politics and science: well, the only relationship here needs to be one of mutual encouragement:

"Woo-hoo! We found a cure for cancer! Let's get this ball rolling. Way to go, Science!"

"Nice job, Politics, thanks for clearing the way!" *fistpump*

And let's not forget the steps forward in this whole Iraq War/Occupation ordeal. As of right now, the military employs a concept known as stop-loss, which basically allows the military to keep soldiers who have served their contract in forced active duty and continued over-seas tours. (Um... would all the soldiers whose contracts are up please step forward? Uh, not so fast, 13,217 of you.) This is basically a draft, but worse, because these men and women have already served their time, they've already sacrificed, and they're basically told that their lives are not enough thus-far; that they and their families must continue to give. Obama is phasing this out, finally, and it's made possible by the long-awaited end date of the combat mission in Iraq: August 31, 201o. A year later, in late 2011, we'll be completely out of the invaded sovereign nation unless they actually request our assistance.  Watch the linked video for that end date: the soldiers sitting behind the podium must have been instructed to refrain from showing emotion, because you can just see the woman to the President's right loose her breath when he makes the announcement. For a minute, I thought she was going to pass out.

I just can't even believe that we're making these strides as a country; that our policies aren't just changing, that they're changing swiftly and consistently. These are major shifts in policy, they are only the tip of the iceberg, and it's only MARCH! Finally, my patriotism has something to anchor itself in. I have always known that I lived in one of the greatest nations to ever exist, but I was fearful of it's own power and of the implosion that seemed to be inevitable should we have "stayed the course," so to speak. 

Now, I look out to my fellow citizens, and I hope that they begin to follow this example. I hope that we all start living our lives honestly, with generosity and integrity, with smart decision-making, and with compassion and equality. I hope that the changes being delivered, as promised, by Obama and his administration will encourage us each to keep our own promises, to think before we speak, and to start making choices for ourselves, our children, and our neighbors that we can be proud of. I hope that Obama's hope rubs off on us all.

Obama on the AIG bonus fiasco.

I am in love with the President of the United States. He is amazing. 

Reporter: "What can you say to the American Public to quell the anger...?"

Obama: "Well, I don't want to quell anger. I think people are right to be angry. I'm angry. But what I want to do is channel our anger in a constructive way."

Goddamn. I want to have his babies.

He goes on to describe his faith in real capitalism. Honest capitalism. This man is a dream come true.

The Owl Story

(Dedicated to Whitney, who just loves how retarded I am.)

Way back in the day when I was a cocktail waitress and a naturalist at a forest preserve and probably smoking way too much weed, I briefly dated a cop who was moonlighting at the bar I was working at.  In hindsight, I think he might have been married. Ah well, I didn't know. 

Anyway, I was driving home from work one night, extremely sober, and  decided to take the long way home since it was nice out and, well, why not. I'm driving along on a rather quiet empty road and suddenly there's a THUD on the side of my car. It completely startled me and I swerved a little and pulled over, breathless. I knew I hit something, so I turned around, drove back about 50 yards or so and pulled over. There, on the side of the road, was my victim (or rather, my aggressor): a screech owl.

He was still alive, and I was relieved about that, but he was clearly hurt. The preserve I worked at had a screech owl in the nature center who was a rescue (He'd lost an eye - his name, appropriately, was Winky or some such similar nonsense.), so I thought I should do something with the resources available to me and save this little guy from the coyotes I knew to be likely lurking somewhere nearby. At first, I just stood there and waited to see if he would gather himself together and fly away. After about 20 minutes or so, he didn't budge, and he let me get right up to him - close enough to touch him - so I figured he was likely in bad shape. I took off my jacket and swaddled him gently in a way that I thought he would be comfortable and unlikely to escape. I set him in the back seat of my car, and called a co-worker from the center. It was late, about 11:30, but I knew she'd understand my compulsion to save the creature.

While I was on the phone with her getting advice, there was a commotion brewing behind me. My pint-sized captive broke free and in a wild frenzy began flying frantically through my car. I screamed and he settled on my back. I pulled over, still on the phone, still freaking out, and got out of the car.

It was clear that the bird could fly after all, so the rescue mission was officially called off. But he would not let go! I shook my sweater, he held on. I scraped my back carefully on the rear spoiler of my car: he clung to me. Finally I shimmied out of the sweater and set it down on the trunk of my car. The owl, his back to me, calmly did what owls do and rotated his head 180 degrees to stare me down, mocking me. 

I can tell you that if you have never seen an owl pivot his head around to stare you in the eyes silently in the dark on a cool spring evening at midnight, it is not something you easily forget. My spine tingled and my hairs stood on end. He could have pecked my eyes out with his tiny, tiny beak and I would have stood motionless, completely in shock, letting it happen.

After a long quiet moment, he took a few steps to the side, glided effortlessly to the ground, and I once again began to breath. I let my colleague go, confident that the ordeal was near it's natural end, and that further assistance would not be needed. I was just going to sit for a while in the car and wait for him to fly away, since that was clearly his plan.

After a few minutes of sitting in my passenger seat staring down my tiny tormentor, a new silent force crept up behind me flashing. An office came over to the car, and I stepped out of the passenger seat to have a chuckle about the events of the night. I explained with an embarrassed grin my predicament, and that I was just making sure that the owl was really OK before I finished the trek home. I tried to show the officer the small dent on my car, but somehow it was far less noticeable than I had remembered it. I walked him around to the other side of the car, to see the owl...

...which, of course, had taken the moment to fly away. 

So I was just standing there, laughing nervously to myself, realizing how insanely unstable I must look. The sudden comprehension of how the situation appeared - the absurdity of it -  only made me laugh harder, which, in turn, only made the ordeal seem more ridiculous to this very confused and now very concerned policeman. He shined his flashlight at me and asked, coyly, "so... you haven't been doing any drugs or anything I should know about tonight, have you?"

"No sir," I replied, trying to straighten myself up quickly, the gravity sinking in. But I chuckled again, and he asked me if I was OK. I replied that I was fine, just thinking about how silly this all seemed and how my boyfriend was going to really get a kick out of this considering…

"Considering what?" he asked.

Now this is when I should have stopped myself. This is when I should have realized just how stupid I was about to sound. This is when I could have just ended the conversation. But of course, true to form, I continued.

"Considering he's an officer, and he's going to hear this call on the CB and probably never let me forget it."

"Oh yeah?" he smirked. "And who is your boyfriend?" (He was officially convinced at this point that I was a mental patient, I'm sure.)

"________, he's a cop over in Joliet." I answered, immediately wishing I could snatch the foolish words dangling heavily in the air, stuff them back into my mouth, and swallow hard before he heard them.

He just rolled his eyes, now confident that I was in fact sober, but really just crazy on my own merit. "Ok, be safe. Have a nice night," he laughed, turning off his flashlight and walking back to the squad.

I sunk back into my car, put on my seat belt, and carefully pulled away. It was only minutes before the cell phone rang angrily; my "boyfriend" was furious. Apparently, the officer who stopped to check on me called him laughing that some crazy broad thought she was saving owls and dating random cops who had probably pulled her over for traffic violations. He should be careful; it was clear he had a stalker.

Needless to say, we didn't continue to see each other for very much longer. I'm sure his wife was relieved.

But that's not where the story ends. In an effort to taunt me, I'm sure, my friend managed to leave a surprise hidden for me: something that might have lent me a little credibility at the time, but was to be saved only as a reminder of my helplessness against his ultimate power. There, on my dashboard, was a turd.

you win some, you loose some.

www.nataliedee.com

It's like watching a car accident

It's so horrible and ugly but I can't look away. Wow... just wow.

We're gonna be here like Linol Richie.

So Maureen says to me during a long day at work, "We're going to be here like Linol Richie."

To which I reply, "What, like Dancing on the Ceiling?" 

And she says "No, dummy, All Night Long."

Quotes

"The power to bring me out of solitude - or to push me back into it - had never belonged to another person. It was mine and only mine." -Martha Beck, O Magazine, February 2003

Better than I thought

I'm starting to realize that maybe I was the only one who thought I was such a horrible reject throughout life. Maybe it was just me who thought I was a loser, who thought I didn't fit in. 

Well I didn't fit in, but maybe it was just me who thought that was a bad thing. 

People look for me on Facebook and MySpace.  Old friends and acquaintances who I figured had forgotten me actually wish we'd never lost touch. I'm glad we did, though, because if they thought I was awkward or unstable back in high school, then they would've been extremely disappointed with me for the time span in the interim between then and now. I've been through a lot, and I've put myself through most of it. There was a lot of self-destruction. I was very selfish. I was stupid and I wasted a lot of time. Most of the people who knew me during those years certainly don't know me now. I wouldn't have stuck around, either.

I'm ready to stop being depressed, and I'm ready to start my life. Finally. I've been waiting for too long. I've wasted too much time. I could have accomplished so much, and I'm glad that it didn't take me longer than this to figure out that I am capable. To figure out that I am worth knowing. 

I've been watching Discovery Health shows about gastric bypass for the super-morbidly obese. It's shocking to hear these people talk about themselves and the level of denial that they are in. They are sure that they are not over-eating. That the quantity of food that they consume has little to do with their condition.  It's disturbing, it's sad, and it makes me angry, but it's also enlightening: I realize that I am in denial, too. I have an obese level of self-loathing. I hold myself back. I am worth knowing, I am worth loving. I am a good person. 

These people have the chance at surgical intervention, but what can I do? I don't know how to make myself more outgoing. I don't know how to approach people. I don't know how to hold back my thoughts and opinions once they start coming out, though it takes a lot for me to get to that point. I don't even think I have a clear view of who I really am. I think that I have personality-dysmorphic disorder - rather than being anorexic because I think I'm fat when I'm not, or wearing clothes 5 times too small because I think I'm thin when I'm morbidly obese, I think that my personality is completely different than the reality of it. I think that my limits are something that they are not: that I am more capable in some areas that I allow myself to believe, and perhaps less capable in other areas than I am convinced. 

So now what? 

So now I try to focus on the things that make me happy, and I try to give myself permission to be myself. Now I make sure that I am enjoying my life, and I make sure that the people in my life are enjoying it, too. Now I start to make attempts to allow myself to feel things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel before. Now I let myself grieve for the losses I have suffered, and rejoice for the second and third and forth chances I've been given.

I realize that I am not like other people in a lot of ways, and that doesn't necessarily need to change, but I do need to start figuring out how to relate. I need to stop letting people take advantage of me... this is the hardest part because I want to treat others the way that I want to be treated, and I know that this is a concept that is important to implement regardless of the results if I truly want to live by this tenet. If you're reading this, pay attention: I will buy you flowers because I know that flowers would make me smile if you bought them for me, not because I expect you to buy me flowers in return. I will continue to do what I can for the people I care about because I want them to be happy, not because I expect them to do for me in return. But I do hope that someone will pick up on this way of life, so that finally someone will buy me flowers. I don't know how to change this part of me in a way that will maintain my ability to do what I can for people without letting them take advantage of me. I don't know how to not be taken for granted. Perhaps it is the type of person that I pull into my life that needs to change, not necessarily my way of taking care of the people that I love. I do need something in return; it's not fair to assume that I can continue to give and give without getting something in return. I need to start being honest about what I expect from people, too. I have found that I occasionally need a lot of attention. I need to be alone, too. So I need to find someone who will shower me with enough attention that I feel free to spend the time alone that I need without being fearful that the attention will no longer be there when I am ready for it. I need someone I can really let go of myself with and not fear rejection. Someone who will support me and be happy to give me what I need. Someone who will help me figure out exactly what it is that I actually need, because I'm not even sure what that is. 

This is why it's worth it to love you.

"If you don't risk anything you risk even more." - Erica Jong

Perfectly imperfect timing.

Somehow I find myself going through a stage in life that many people go through when they are teenagers. First love. Huh. It's hard.

It's hard to know that it's going to end when you feel so deeply. But honestly, can it really work the first time? Aren't there all sorts of lessons you learn the first time around that make you a better person and give you the practice you need so that you can make someone happy one day? Aren't you supposed to learn what it is you're looking for, and more importantly, what it is you're trying to avoid?

Sigh... except I think you're supposed to do this when you're a kid because you're emotionally resilient and all of this pain and suffering gets packaged up neatly with all the normal hormonal fluctuations and egocentric world views that you grow out of. You leave it behind. 

But I'm an adult, and I don't have the background to deal with this. I don't have the emotional backdrop of adolescence to excuse my poor behavior or the everlasting feeling of panic. I'm not growing out of anything, or at least I don't see it that way, and I don't think I ever want to do this again. When you're young and you call in love for the first time at the age of 16 and it inevitably breaks apart; you go through the motions of feeling lost and alone and hurt and depressed, but you have school and homework and friends and science fair projects to distract you, so you get over it and you meet someone new and you remember what it felt like to fall in love and you do it again.

Only I'm almost 30 and I'm 1700 miles away from everyone I know and I barely work because I'm a supervisor and there's not a lot of business here. I'm stuck in my apartment alone all day and I don't have anyone around me to distract me. I don't have a million projects at work or even a daily excuse to leave the grounds of my apartment complex. I don't know hardly anyone here and I have a hard time meeting new people, and I'm picky to boot, so I'm pretty much on my own. I'm not emotionally resilient any more, the tribulations of childhood are passed, and I can not bundle this away with some other part of my life.

On top of it all, she's my best friend here, one of the few that I have in general, and the only person I really open up to down here. And this isn't fair to her, because she wants to move on. And I don't know why. I don't understand how I can love someone so much and it be not enough. I don't understand how I can try so hard to make sure that someone smiles every day and only ever succeed in make them frown. 

I really hope that I figure it out. I really want to try to make myself hope that this isn't it for me, that I will eventually want to meet someone new, that eventually love will find it's way to me. But I don't honestly want to ever do this again. I don't ever want to feel this way again. 

What I really need to figure out is why I always drive away the people I care about most. I may not have been in love like this before, but I have quite a lot of experience causing people to flee. And I need to work on my timing. Somehow I managed to move 1700 miles away from home at just the wrong time. Perfectly imperfect timing.

To be fair, I only came out of the closet a few years ago, and I've only ever had one other relationship inside these new boundaries, and it was long and hard and draining and in a lot of respects completely empty. I have always been afraid to be myself in front of anyone, and I am only starting to discover my own passions. And I'm not old per se, but I am a little old to be so afraid of everything. I'm a little old to be learning all of the things I should have been learning when I was 16. And to be brutally fair, I was looking for a fresh start. And I'm getting one - big time. Super fresh. Whether I like it or not.

This might have been my life...

... but it wasn't. I laughed so hard I drooled.

posted by Kiddo Young in TFD thread 4262529 - 2009-03-11 07:58:59 PM

Thank you so much for making me feel like I am not alone in this world. I less than three you.

"I fell out of a moving car when I was about 5 years old. I opened the door handle on my mom's old yellow GTX as it was rounding a left turn, and not wearing a seat belt, I tumbled out. Mom panicked and stomped on the gas, instead of the brake and plowed forward.

Luckily for me, it wasn't a busy street, and I wasn't that badly hurt (just some bruises and road rash) because I got up and ran after my mom's car because I thought she was leaving me. She slammed on the brakes, got out and got me. She and I were both crying, and she didn't let me go for about five minutes.

It's funny to us both now after 28 years, but Mom said she had a hard time sleeping for the next few weeks afterward. She said it broke her heart even more when she looked in her rear-view mirror and saw me chasing her after she hit the gas instead of the brake."

By popular demand - the Pine Sap Story

So I went through pretty intensive allergy testing when I was in high school, so I knew I was allergic to pine on some level. But my parents still always got live Christmas trees, though, so I wasn't aware of how allergic. I never actually touched the trees. My mom would go on xmas eve and get one for $5 and then it would be out of the house in 3 days. I never decorated them. 

So I buy this house in Valpo, and it has three really large pines on one side and a horrible huge mulberry on the other. I guess at some point the mulberry grew into my neighbor's yard, so he decided to take a chain-saw to it. OK I get that it's an ugly tree or whatever, but seriously, you don't take a chain-saw to your neighbor's yard. So he and I got into a screaming hillbilly fight complete with cut-off jean shorts and bare feet in his gravel driveway and then in the street. It was insane. 

After that, I decided that my Pines probably needed trimming, too, and rather than go through this with the other neighbors (who are really old and sweet, I don't think they can yell), I went and grabbed the loppers and started trimming.

Keep in mind that I am standing under the pine boughs. I have to reach up over my head to cut the boughs so there's all sorts of stuff flying in my face as I trim these pines in an angered frenzy. 

Theses are the rules to follow when you have to trim a pine and you know you're at least a little alergic:

1) don't bother wearing gloved or goggles. They will just get in your way

2) be sure to get sticky sap all over all of your exposed skin. Next time, I'm wearing shorts to maximize the effectiveness of rule 2.

3) wipe your eyes. often and roughly. I mean really get that sap in there.

My arms and face felt a little burny after that, but I decided to make a sandwich before I cleaned up. So I let the sap really marinate in my skin and in my eyes. Halfway through the sandwich, I noticed my eyes felt a little strange. When I went to wash up, I noticed that my skin was bright red anywhere that had been exposed to the sap - esp my face around my eyes and forearms. I showered really well and, being exhausted, went to bed early. The next day, after all, I had to train on a crani with Mark at Edwards.

Upon awakening, I noticed that there was something strange about my vision. There wasn't any. My eyes were crusted shut. I stumbled into the bathroom, washed the crust away and looked through slits into the mirror to observe, to my horror, nearly-golf-ball sized orbs where my eyes should be. I am not kidding. The swelling went down considerably after I was up and not laying down so that fluid had no where to go, but I still looked like I had those little tanning goggles on. I called Mark, miserable, who graciously stopped at a Walgreens for me and picked up some visene allergy reducer eye drops for me.

4) make sure you introduce something novel to your newly swollen eyes that you might also be allergic to, like eye drops you've never tried. This will be a fun experiment. 

OMG THE BURNING those eyedrops caused!! Hold shit I thought I was going to die. To make matters worse, as the swelling went down over the next several days, the skin around my eyes was so stretched out that it took some time to get back to the original shape. So around my eyes I had wrinkly, saggy skin, and having an occupation that requires coving most of your face with the exception of the eyes, it's no surprise that I was called "ma'am" for about a week and that everyone went out of their way to carry things for me and open doors. They thought I was OLD.

Ever since, about every allergy I ever have manifests in my eyes. Never to that extent, but they swell A LOT. And often. yay!

Just wondering...

Can we get back to the part where we say "I love you" over and over and over again, and it never gets old? Soon? Now? Please?

Quotes

"When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives be